I am a single parent to two children, and one of them is a 6-year-old trans girl. I’ve learned to navigate the complexities of parenting a child who doesn’t fit the traditional mold of what society expects. As a society, we often focus on the visible manifestations of gender, like clothing and hairstyles, but we overlook the internal, emotional, and psychological aspects of being transgender.

Parenting a Transgender Child: A Parent’s Dilemma

• She likes to make obstacle courses for her baby sister, and she almost always remembers to carry her plate from the table to the state after dinner. She takes an inordinate amount of time to eat her oatmeal in the morning. She has perfect handwriting but always writes “7”s backward.
• She’s also an old soul. She likes to get cozy under an electric blanket and talk about what it would be like to have a sixth sense. She absorbs the feelings of those around her but maintains an unusual emotional stability. She has an intrinsic sense of sharing and no concept of jealousy.
• Are you wondering why you are making choices for her? I am also wondering that. Her choices should be hers, and while she is still a child, they should also be mine, her teachers’, and her doctors’.

The Importance of Choice

But you see, her biological sex is male.

And you are making choices right now, through either action or inaction, about what children like her are allowed to do. How you respond to federal executive orders and state and local laws restricting transgender children’s rights determines whether they and their families are allowed to make choices about how they live their lives.

As soon as my child was able to articulate her identity, around age 3 1/2, she started describing herself as something other than “boy.” She became increasingly clear about this at ages 4 and 5. She decided to enter kindergarten as a girl.

Example: A 3-year-old girl who says she is a boy, or a 4-year-old boy who says he is a girl.

The Challenges of Being Transgender

Challenges:

• She has long honey-brown hair and a delicate face. She’s smaller than most of the children in kindergarten. She is quiet and focused in class. Unless she mentions it, no one would guess that she was born male.
• She is perfectly healthy. She does not have any mental or behavioral disorders. She is social and smart. She simply does not fit the boxes society has prescribed.

Now, let me tell you a little bit about me. I am a widowed single parent to two children. I am from a conservative family, but I have mostly liberal friends. I am fairly strict for a modern American parent. We have rules and expectations in our household.

Why I allowed her to enter kindergarten as a girl: Because I do not control my child’s authentic self. Rules and expectations are about behavior, not about identity.

My Journey

How did I feel about the prospect of her being transgender?

Distraught. My child, this small, perfect human, would belong to the most targeted and misunderstood group in the United States. And she might experience more bullying and worse mental health than her peers.

I also felt isolated. I don’t know many others going through this, and here’s why: Despite the widespread concern about all the children who are coming out as transgender, doing so remains uncommon.

The recommendations for supporting the well-being of children who don’t conform to gender stereotypes tell me clearly: Children with supportive families have the best outcomes. Attempting to force gender conformity can lead to long-term distress. Furthermore, recent data shows that transgender children who live in states with regulations that repress their autonomy are substantially more likely to attempt suicide.

So I supported her preferences. She started wearing sparkles. And I determined that I would be the buffer between her and the world for as long as I could.

The Power of Our Choices

This is where you come in. You get to choose the level of hostility of that world. I can only protect her for so long.

Key Questions:

• Should she be forced to use a men’s bathroom?
• Should she be forced to be in the boys’ gymnastics class?
• Should her teachers be barred from talking about how different people experience gender in different ways?
• Should data about people like her be erased from the federal government?
• Should research that helps us understand the health and well-being of such children be terminated?

Example: If a child like her is forced to use a men’s bathroom, or is barred from discussing gender, it can lead to feelings of isolation and distress.

The Power of Research: Research that helps us understand the health and well-being of transgender children can provide valuable insights and support.

Joining Forces

Now we also need you.

Together:

• We need to raise awareness about the importance of supporting our children’s identities.
• We need to advocate for policies that protect the rights of transgender children.
• We need to support research and data collection on the well-being of transgender children.

By working together, we can:

• Keep our children safe and supported.
• Help create a more inclusive and accepting environment.
• Provide valuable insights and support for families like mine.

The Unspoken Choices We Make for Our Transgender Children

I am a single parent to two children, and one of them is a 6-year-old trans girl.